Dear Ben

Dear Ben

You’ve been gone a year today and it still doesn’t make sense to me. lt didn’t last year and it doesn’t now. In fact, when Will called me to say that he needed to talk to me about you last year, the first thing I said was ‘What has he done now?’. I didn’t believe him when he said you were gone.

You know, you had this talent of getting yourself into trouble without even intending to, so I thought you must have caused some sort of issue and he needed help sorting things out. You were always too good-hearted and trusting and often people around you abused this trait of yours. This time, however, you hadn’t caused trouble and I so wish you had. Don’t get me wrong, your shenanigans drove me insane on a regular basis, especially after we had parted ways as a couple, but I’d give everything to have them back if it meant you were still in our lives and could see Amy grow up.

We miss you a lot, you know? Amy her daddy and me, well, I miss the man who I once fell in love with. The man who made me laugh and tear my hair out in equal measures. The man who I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with.

No matter what some people might think, you were a wonderful person. You were always trying to make people smile no matter how you felt on the inside. You were generous and kind, bloody hilarious and the biggest man-child I know. You were fiercely competitive, especially when it came to beating Will and Char or out-cooking Neal in one of your cook-offs. And I’ll never forget how stroppy you got when I beat you with the most rubbish hand during one of our first poker games. It was hilarious. Neal and I had a good laugh about that night at your wake and we also had a Jaeger bomb in your honour. Hey, we even we taught the waitress the proper way after she tried serving us the shot already in the glass. We’re sure you’d have been proud of us.

Someone who I know you have always been and will always be proud of is Amy. Ben, she is so much like you. She’s the funniest little girl I know and everyone who meets her falls in love with her. She’s kind and loving and an absolute whirlwind. She loves her sports, just like you, and there’s no challenge big enough for her. She’s just started swimming and on her first day without swimming aids, she spontaneously decided to dive off the 3m board. Definitely your genes!

She’s also really into music and loves finding new songs to listen to. Unfortunately for you, she’s inherited at least some of my music taste, so she’ll be stuck in the 80s and 90s with me.  Don’t think, I’m not teaching her her daddy’s ways, though. I’ve created a Spotify list with lots of your favourite tunes for her and she loves going crazy to Dizzee Rascal’s’Bonkers’ – she still remembers how you used to dance to it together.

Me, I still can’t make it through the list without crying. It’s full of so many memories we’ve shared together and although we both know that not all of them were happy, I wouldn’t miss them for anything.

I hope you’re having a blast wherever you are. We’ll never forget you and I hope we make you proud.

Love,

Caro x